My maternal grandfather passed away yesterday morning.
I’m still living in some sort of shock. He had a stroke a few weeks back. On Friday he had a bleed on the brain. We knew things weren’t well. We had been mentally preparing for something like this for quite some time. But perparing mentally and actually living the process are two different things.
My maternal grandpa is actually my Mom’s stepdad. He is, however, the only grandfather I acknowledge when it comes to my maternal lineage. He was always part of my life. He was our all-year-round Santa Claus. And as his mind started to fade over the past few years, he still always had a joke for me. He was what a grandpa should be: present and fun.
This is the first immediate grandparent I have lost. And I am stunned to silence. My maternal-paternal great-grandparents died when I was a senior in high school. My maternal-maternal-paternal great-great-grandmother died when I was in college. I lost my maternal-maternal great-grandfather when I was four. But this is the first grandparent that I’ve had to say goodbye to. And I’m not particularly enjoying the process.
I have been blessed to have so many living, present, fun and amazing grandparents. I don’t know many people like me. Again, my maternal-maternal great-grandmother is still alive. And kicking! This is a new emotion for me. A loss on a different level. I don’t know where to put it. How to box it up neatly and nicely. And knowing, however morbid the thought, that we’ll have to go through this again someday is almost too much to handle.
And I haven’t told BigBroter. I don’t know how. He won’t remember him. He won’t remember the all-year-round Santa that graced our family. He won’t remember the jokes. The wise cracks. The laughter. And I think that’s sad.
The funeral is Friday. We’re leaving for The Farm (which now has electric) on Thursday. FireDad is taking a bereavement day from the Fire Department and heading out with us so we will be together as a family. I have posts set to post that don’t have anything to do with death, dying or grandparents for the rest of the week. Quite honestly, I can’t begin to process this emotion just yet but when I do, I’ll be sure to write. Until then, say a prayer for my family and read my upcoming posts with the knowledge that I am 100% avoiding my own personal reality right now. I think I’m afforded that right.
After all, the first stage of grieving is denial. Here I come!