It’s been over ten years since I last got a tattoo.
The last tattoo I sat through featured a Celtic knot in honor of my daughter, to symbolize the various people all connected—forever—by her birth, her placement, her adoption.
It makes sense that the next tattoo permanently etched into my skin took place on her birthday.
I chose the phrase “that I would be good,” a ’90s single by Alanis Morissette, for many reasons. Yes, I love the song. Always have, always will. I can whistle along with the flute solo even though I loathe whistling. I know the differences from the studio version from Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie to the Unplugged album. If asked which Alanis song is my song or which one is my favorite, I will always and forever answer with this song.
Beyond that, the lyrics always spoke to me. When I first bought the album on release date, I fell in love with the song. A senior in college, I faced a lot of decisions regarding my future: college, major, near family or far, which loan to accept, which scholarship would work best, and so on. Overwhelmed and with undiagnosed anxiety, the whole time felt very trying.
I survived, as you do.
Now, years later, times look different but I find myself once again facing very trying times. I’ve come to realize that I am awfully (horribly) hard on myself. If I perform at any level less than perfect, I dub the whole thing a failure; I dub myself a failure.
I’m working on it. I’m working on seeing myself as good even when I make a mistake at work. Even when I raise my voice at the boys. Even when I don’t communicate properly with my husband. Even when I gain ten pounds. Even when I run a slow mile. Even when my writing doesn’t quite say what I wanted it to say. Even when I’m overwhelmed. Even when I shut down. Even if I, God forbid, get angry. Even if I get sick. Even if I stay sick. Even if I’m not quite okay.
Even if. Evein if. Even if.
That I would be good. Period.
I’m working on believing that, accepting it, being good enough in my own skin.
Maybe looking at it every single day for the rest of my life will help me believe that, yes, I am good enough. I am more than good enough. I am perfect just by being me. That I would be good.
I hired Alexandra to design the script. She did such a lovely job. I went to High Street Tattoo, recommended by my Amanda, for the tattoo artwork, and Chad did a perfect job on the piece. I’ll be going back for more work on that arm.