Living Life

See Me

It’s been a rocky start to the new year in many ways.

I spent the cold, dark months, well, cold and dark. I shared my struggles here in light detail. Some of my closest people knew how deep the struggle went; how blinding the dark, how frigid the cold. I kept most at an arm’s length though; it’s hard to allow myself to be seen in those spaces. It’s even hard with those that I love and trust the most—maybe especially so.

The sun shines more these days.

It feels good to not dread waking up, to open my eyes and feel thankful for another day instead of full of self-loathing and all encompassing fear. It feels good to go for a run and lose myself in the beat of my footsteps, the rhythm of the music, the sound of spring birds returning to our area instead of getting lost inside my own anxiety-filled mind. It feels good to interact with people on real levels again instead of just trading niceties; I missed connecting so much.

It feels good to look in the mirror and see me again.

Me. Now.

It’s not perfect, this place where I find myself today. In fact, today I sat at my desk in my office and felt overcome with the loss of my daughter, discouraged with how this grief will be with me for the rest of my days. Late last week, I didn’t cope properly with my anxiety and had a really bad night. I sometimes still have to take medication as needed to ward of panic attacks.

But I’ve stopped wanting to die and started wanting to live.

I’ve started seeing light instead of never-ending darkness. I’ve started to feel the warmth of living once again. I once again feel hope instead of despair, something instead of nothing. I’ll take those things, this start of something good. Yes, I will.


9 replies on “See Me”

There’s too much heartbreak in the world. In our lives. I’m convinced of it. I don’t know how we don’t just drown from broken hearts.

Maybe the light saves us.

Thank you for letting us see you.

Sounds like a really rough time, Jenna. Good news that, for now at least, it has passed. I’m sure you will feel that hole in your heart from your daughter forever, but if you can fill the empty space with sunshine from time to time, it’s bound to help. Big hugs to you!

One of the very best, very bravest things about you, my friend, is how you share your struggles; you make your dark times create light for others. I can hear you say that you can’t share them when you’re going through them, that you can’t share them they way you want to or think you should – you share what you can, when you can, how can. You share so much more than so many people can or do and that is BRAVE and that is AWESOME. You are brave. You are awesome. And you are loved. So glad that things are a little bit better!

it hurt my heart to read “self-loathing” coming from your fingertips. i wish you could see you through my eyes. or the through eyes of anyone who loves you, regardless of the things you see as your faults, mistakes, shortcomings.
you are talented and tremendous, jenna.
you are loved.

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