Today I did something new, something I hadn’t ever done before though it had crossed my mind. I didn’t skydive; I’m afraid of heights. I didn’t organize my sock drawer; I don’t have one. I didn’t attempt a new recipe; just making good ole chili tonight. No.
Today I hung canvases of photographs on the wall. On our living room wall. Of my photographs. That didn’t feature our children.
They look better/brighter in person. Instagram photo.
It comes as a shock to me that I’ve never hung any of my photographs on the wall. I’ve always said I’m going to do it. I look at photos and think, “Oh, that would look lovely.” But I’ve never sat down, placed an order and jumped up and down when it arrived.
I don’t know why. Or, okay, wait. I do. I’m a liar. I do know why. I’ve never hung my own photographs on the wall because I didn’t consider myself a real photographer. Even though I am. It’s taken over a year of owning an official title to believe that I’m good at what I do. And, to be honest, I was a real photographer before the title and I’ll be one long after it. More over, I didn’t hang them on the wall because I thought they weren’t good enough. Which is bull, because they are. Probably has something to do with my perfectionism and that I still can’t quite get a rebound shot right or that I still forget to check settings before I shoot and inevitably end up with a shot of something or someone in either a snowstorm or a blackout. Or how I’m constantly doing something wrong at work or forgetting my memory card at home (omg). Or maybe it’s because spending money on myself feels wrong — especially if it’s to “show off” something that I accomplished. Or maybe it’s because I always sell myself short. Probably. Yeah, it’s that.
Whatever the case, I’m over it. That’s right. I said it. I’m over it.
I chose my three favorite non-family photos of 2010 to print on canvas. But here are the three that now hang on the wall above my upstairs work space.
October 2010: Winner in Indie Ink’s Autumn Contest
After I hung them, I realized I should have chosen four, one for each season. But I’ll do that next year. That’s right. Next year. Because I’m doing this again. These three will move down to my office and the new four will grace my work corner upstairs. Because I’m worth it. Because I’m good at what I do. Because I’m tired of selling myself short in absolutely everything I do. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to the children that I’m raising; how are they supposed to believe in themselves if I don’t believe in myself? It’s not fair to my husband. It’s just not fair.
This post is an extension of what I’ll be posting as my focus word for 2011. But there are changes afoot. And they feel good.
* = You may have noticed that the title says four holes in the wall. Yes, well, I mis-measured the first piece. But I’m still worth it.