Constantly Doubting Myself: The Truth in My Motherhood

I’ve written and erased this post so many times. At first I wanted to be witty and snarky about motherhood, to make my readers laugh. But it felt irreverent and I erased it. Then I wanted to talk about the reality and hardship of motherhood, to let my readers know that the lack-of-rainbows feeling is normal. But it felt all negative and gloom-and-doom so I erased it. And then I realized the problem. I was talking in generalities about motherhood instead of talking about my experience.

Motherhood is such an emotionally charged subject for me. As my foray into motherhood was interrupted by the relinquishment of my firstborn, I am prone to feeling overly guilty any time I need a moment to myself in the craziness of parenting two awesome boys. I often push myself harder and harder, way past my personal breaking point(s), because I feel that I should never take a moment I have with any of my children for granted. I am aware, on some level, that this is not the healthiest way to approach motherhood, that I should cut myself some slack and allow room for error. But it is a cycle I cannot seem to break.

Every time I raise my voice at my two year old for, you know, throwing toys or poking his younger brother in the forehead, I know that my neighbors will hear and that they will call Child Protective Services and that when they arrive they will automatically know that I am a birth mother, for it is a Scarlet Letter I wear upon my forehead, and they will take my children from me. No. Seriously. I live with this fear on a daily basis. And no, I don’t do anything to endanger my children to make that a legitimate possibility. In fact, possibly due to the relinquishment of my daughter, I am more prone to be that over-protective Helicopter Mom you see at the playground that follows her child from toy to toy, repeating over and over, “Be careful! Go slow!” I know that my fear is not based in logic, it is based in fear. But no one ever said that parenting was full of logic.

The reality of my motherhood is that I spend far too much time being afraid. What if BigBrother is walking down the steps on his own, as he needs to learn to do that, and he trips and falls and I can’t catch him? And at the hospital they think that I pushed him? And they take him away? Or what if LittleBrother rolls over onto his tummy while sleeping and suffocates and they think that I did it? Or what if this? And what if that? I play the what-if game every single day of my life. It is not a fun way to live.

And yes, I do work on these thing with my (awesome) therapist. There are days when I wake up and tell myself, “You will get through this day and you will be okay just like every other mother on the planet. There is no need to worry.” And then? I worry. My anxiety kicks in and the panic rides in on its Big Black Horse of Doom and I just try to make it through the day without hiding under the covers and pretending we’re building a “fort.”

The good thing in all of this is that I am not alone. Other first mothers have spoken up about their similar fears as they parent their children. They have survived and, in that, I know that there is hope for me. I know, on that core level, that I am an amazing parent. I know that my children are thriving under my care. I know that they love me with all of their beings just as I love them with every inch of my soul. I know that I am providing them with a safe, happy environment despite my fears. And I do, honestly, feel the success in that. Sometimes I even pat myself on the back and buy myself something nice. But it is a constant battle brought about by self-doubt and fear.

So, no. The truth is that my version of motherhood isn’t a bucket of rainbows. It’s hard at times. But all it takes is a big, snotty kiss from BigBrother, a smile from LittleBrother… or a phone call from the Munchkin… and, if only for a moment, those fears melt away and my world is at peace. Rainbows even pop out for a second or two, giving me reason to continue on this journey of motherhood.

 

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9 Replies to “Constantly Doubting Myself: The Truth in My Motherhood”

  1. Firemom! I think your RSS feed quit working for me, because I have not seen any of your recent posts in my google reader! I feel like a poopy friend, and am reading backwards.

    And your perspective on motherhood is so valuable. I know you are in touch with a number of birth moms who have went on to parent subsequent children, and I’m sure you have a number of birthmom readers who not to that place yet, but need to know that it can be done. It is not easy, but it has its graceful moments, and your honesty about this territory is so valuable. i can’t imagine even 10 (or 5) years ago, when there were not honest and thoughtful birthmom blogs like yours, and how lonely it must have been to be making these huge life decisions in a vacuum…

    Speak your truth. Someone needs to hear it.

    ivymae’s last blog post..What I am working on

  2. You will definitely shed important insight into the feelings of first moms to someone that truly could use it.

    Bless your heart. We moms have enough to make us crazy with panic, worry and fear but I never realized the added emotions from being a first mother.

    I know all we can do is encourage each other and this is my encouragement.
    Although we have never met I feel from reading your blog that you are a great mother and first mother. Your love for your children is evident in your words. All three of your children are blessed to have you.

  3. omg you have put into words so perfectly what I go thru as a first mother and now single mother.

    the really bad part about holding yourself to this higher standard and feeling like a ‘bad mother’ is that the children pick up on it straight away.

    my parenting style is mixed with unconditional love,fear and anxiety. I know motherhood was corrupted for me.

    i try to tell myself every day – we are a normal family and I am a good mom. i bet you’re an amazing mother too.

    Erika’s last blog post..King Solomon Revisited

  4. I truly admire your honesty in this post. It’s refreshing to see that not all moms sugar coat it for the world, and that I’m not alone in my anxiety. No, I’m not a First Mom, but I feel the same. I constantly wonder if I’m doing something that will scar my kids for life, or if someone will see me and say that I’m a terrible mom and call CPS on me as well.

    I know I don’t “know” you but I can see how much you love all your kids from your blog. As much as the anxiety can eat away at you (believe me, I feel it too!) I do think it helps you to be the best mom you can be. Just try and cut yourself some slack sometimes!! And remember…June Cleaver only existed in TV for a reason!! :)

    K’s last blog post..A Very Happy Birthday to You…And You….

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