I’ve been struggling. I’ve written about finding my groove with two. And it’s true. I’ve found a groove. We’re getting things accomplished. The laundry isn’t too far behind itself. I’m making meals. I’m getting books read. And I occasionally can shower and put on makeup and feel, almost, like a human being.
But my emotions? Yeah, I don’t suppose I’ve discussed those, have I? And why, you ask?
This is freaking hard, folks. And I don’t like to admit when I’m having trouble. But, goodness sakes, this is hard. By the end of every evening, I’m left feeling like a total failure as a parent. I’m usually close to tears, insanely overwhelmed and nursing a pretty major headache. I sit and recount my day and wonder where things went wrong.
As of late, BigBrother has had some sleep issues (which caused me to buy The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers but, unfortunately, the book is 400 pages long and I fear I’ll never find time to finish and figure out what is wrong). Those issues have made evenings and mornings rather hellacious. Starting and ending your day with screaming and tantrums and whining and tears is not particularly joyful. Add in the fact that LittleBrother has taken to cluster feeding in the evening and I’m just downright exhausted by the time I get to lay down in bed. Which is never for the whole night, whether it’s one or the other that needs tending to in the dark, midnight hours. My favorite was the time that they were both up three separate times which made for six awakenings for me.
This article on Parent Dish only made me feel worse. Not the article, exactly, but the comments from those who have been there and done this. Really? It’s supposed to be easier when the second one comes around? Then what the heck am I doing wrong? While my anxiety has been easier to handle, most likely because of my work in therapy and the mechanisms I have learned to properly cope with it, this overwhelming feeling of “I Suck As a Parent” is hard to get past! A few commenters spoke up and said things that fall in line with how I’m feeling but the general majority agreed that things are just “easier.” And I’m left feeling even more alone.
Trust me, I love these two boys. But it’s hard. Yes, things are getting done both house wise and kid wise. Children are being bathed and fed and loved and played with and so on. But this Mama is tired, worn out, overwhelmed and worried. And now I feel all alone. I feel as if all these other mothers have something that I missed out on when they were handing out parenting abilities. Seriously? My eyes are filled with tears. I feel inferior. I feel like I’m short-changing my kids.
But that’s enough of the pity-party, right? I’ve got laundry to do.